The Pledge

                I’m a university student about to start my second year, I’m 20 years old, athletic, not bad looking, 6ft 1 with dark hair and blue eyes.  And I’m a virgin. Those are the bare facts and figures, I wish I could sugar coat them with a few dirty stories of bi-monthly blow jobs and what not, but as it happens, my sexual experience extends as far as a rather unpleasant hand job from a rather unpleasant girl, in my first year at university.

            I’d also love to tell you that my persistent virginity was born out of some deep religious commitment or a determination to wait for true love, but the truth is that until recently I thought abstinence was an anti-firearm movement, and my current parameters for true love consist of a pulse, two X chromosomes, and some seriously low expectations.

            I do maintain that I’ve been unlucky when it comes to getting “on stage” for the big show but something always seems to go wrong in the wings. I won’t deny there is probably a certain degree of stage fright knocking about, but I promise you, my over-used hand on heart, there is nothing I want more than to tear up the stage with a willing female co-star. And as you’ve probably deduced, the audition process for that particular role is anything but tough. In fact it’s safe to say that a will to audition on its own would almost guarantee you the part.

            As traumatic as that infamous hand-job was, I can’t really claim that my lack of sexual experience comes from a scarring bedroom episode either. All I really remember from that night was getting back to her room in our halls of residence, mildly drunk but nowhere near enough for what was about to ensue, being told in no uncertain terms that I was “not going to get laid” – a piece of news I feigned mild surprise at, as though it would involve my night taking a dramatic turn from the status quo – and then... the teeth.

            I hadn’t noticed in the club, but the girl had a set of gum nuggets on her that would have looked very much at home between the lips of a prize thoroughbred. Anyway, this alarming grin appeared at the exact moment she began to unbutton my trousers, leaving me with the alarming sensation of having my underpants raided by a deviant clown.

            I’ve since learned that what I endured that night was not what one might refer to as a textbook hand-job, but at the time, as I sat there scouring her room for a handy rape-whistle and trying desperately not to look into her teeth, I thought I was just being wet. So I sat it out, gritted my teeth while I was jerked off by what can only be described as a combination between a ban-saw and the Cheshire Cat. And I don’t care how fucked up Wonderland was, Alice never had to go through anything that painful or disturbing.

            But as I said, although temporarily horrifying, the experience did not scare me away from sex at all, something a brief glimpse at my browsing history will quickly confirm. Put simply, it just hasn’t happened for me yet. But this is going to change.

            I turn 21 on May 13^th and I am determined to do so without my virginity. Obviously it’s not a lack of determination that’s been holding me back, but certain other factors are about to come into play that can only improve my chances. Most importantly I’m about to move into a student house which, among other things, will be a far better environment for getting myself and potential partner(s – hopefully) in the mood. If I told you that my first year room had no straight edges, not for any aesthetic reason but because the architect nicked the plans from an eastern European penitentiary where  straight edges were considered a suicide risk, you might get some idea of the detrimental effect the setting had on my nervous attempts at bedroom flirting. It was, in essence, like trying to seduce a girl in a tampon factory.

           
            I know people say it’s impossible to spend a year at university nowadays and not get laid, but I did it, in fact I wrote the fucking manual on how to do it. However, this year will be different, this year will be better, because by May 13^th of this year, this virgin... is checking out.